1. Ask, don't judge
Start by assuming they have a good reason for doing what they do. Show them you respect their intelligence and are curious about the choices they've made.
If you don't pre-judge their behaviour as "stupid" or "wrong", they're more likely to open up and explain why their actions made sense to them.
2. Ask, don't assume or accuse
Don't assume that you know what's wrong. Rather than asking "Are you being bullied?", try saying "I've been worried about you. You don't seem your usual self, and I wondered what's going on with you at the moment? Is there anything I can help with?".
3. Be clear you want to help
If you suspect your child is using drugs or drinking excessively, be gentle but direct. Ask them, and let them know that you'll help them through any of their difficulties.
4. Be honest yourself
Teenagers will criticise you if you don't follow your own advice. If you drink too much alcohol yourself, for example, they're likely to mention it ("You can't talk!"). Make sure you're acting responsibly yourself.
5. Help them think for themselves
Instead of trying to be the expert on your teenager's life, try to help them think for themselves:
- Discuss the potential implications of poor behaviour choices. For example, "How does smoking dope make you feel the next day? So, if you feel like that, how's that going to affect you playing football?"
- Help them think critically about what they see and hear. "So Paul said X: is that what you think?"
- Help them feel that they can deal with life's challenges. Remind them of what they're good at and what you like about them. This will give them confidence in other areas of their lives.
- Information is empowering. Point them towards websites that can give them information on drugs, sex and smoking so they can read the facts and make up their own minds.
- Help them think of ways they can respond and cope. "So, when you feel like that, is there anything you can do to make yourself feel better?"
- Encourage them to think through the pros and cons of their behaviour.
6. Pick your battles
If they only ever hear nagging from you, they'll stop listening. Overlooking minor issues, such as the clothes they wear, may mean you're still talking to each other when you need to negotiate – or stand firm – with them on bigger issues, such as drugs and sex.
7. If they get angry, try not to react
Teenagers often hit out at the people they most love and trust, not because they hate you, but because they feel confused.
Don't think that they mean the bad things they say ("I hate you!"). They may just feel confused, angry, upset, lost or hormonal, and they don't know how to express it.
8. Help them feel safe
Teenagers often worry that telling an adult will just make things worse. You need to be clear that you want to help them and won't do anything they don't want you to.
This may be particularly important with bullying. If your child opens up to you about bullying, explain that it isn't acceptable. Listen to their fears and reassure them it's not their fault.
Help build up their confidence by reassuring them that you'll face the problem together.
9. Avoid asking questions they won't answer
Sometimes you'll find out more about your teenager if you ask open questions. If they have an eating disorder, for example, asking confrontational questions like "What did you eat for lunch?" or "Have you made yourself sick?" may mean you get a dishonest answer.
Sticking to open questions such as "How are you?" or "How has your day been?" helps your teenager talk to you about how they're feeling.